Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Stressed Out

I am pretty sure I have reached my breaking point. I am so stressed out that just the slightest little thing starts making me cry now. But let me just say that the main root of this stress is coming from my job. I HATE it! I don't even think that describes it. It makes me break down and cry at least once a week...usually more. I have already snapped at them several times through email since I don't see them in person very often. I guess to break it down, my job really wouldn't be that bad, it is just pretty much impossible to sanely keep up with and do while also trying to give Kaitlyn all of the attention she needs and deserves. What makes it even worse is that when I first started my job I was in a department of 5 people plus my immediate boss. Every single one of those people except me has now been laid off. I now have absolutely no one to help out with my work load and no one to go to for support. I am now a department of one. Back in July they also cut me down to only 20 hours a week. Which is fine b/c I could never give more than that with Kaitlyn, but thing is they still expect me to complete a 40 hour workload and pretty much be available at their becking call. It has now gotten to the point where I just feel like I am always at my breaking point. One little email can come through with something else for me to do and I just lose it. It probably would not be as bad either if Kaitlyn was an easier baby. But she is soooo fussy. For anyone that is around us enough then you are aware. Basically if she is awake she has to be held. I can't even let her cry it out b/c she starts throwing up everywhere she gets so mad. She is not a good napper either. So it stresses me out even more when I am trying to have a conference call and I have to put Kaitlyn in her room screaming while I try and go over stupid plans with work. It makes me feel like such a horrible mother, but there is just not much else I can do at the moment. I am just looking forward to the days where Kaitlyn can at least play with toys and entertain herself for at least a little while! She will sit in an exersaucer or play with her jungle gym, but never for more than 10-15 minutes at a time. Then I am back at square one having to hold her...and that is always standing up. She won't even let Justin and I sit down or she will scream so hard until she makes herself throw up. So if you have any suggestions for what to do I am open. I either give in to her demands to stand up with her all the time...or let her scream and clean up throw up all the time. I don't know which is better. It has gotten to the point now that any time we go on a car ride she throws up b/c I can't quickly pick her up when I know she is about to that point. Let me just say though that I don't think there is anything physically wrong with her. To me it more seems spoiled. I don't mean that in a bad way...just that she will almost immediately quit crying the second I stand up with her. If I sit down on the couch with her the crying starts back up. So please I am open to your suggestions.

Now that I have complained this whole time Kaitlyn actually is napping, don't feel too bad for me. haha! It is our goal for me to be able to quit this year. We just currently cannot afford for me to quit. We are starting the Dave Ramesey Money Makeover next week and are really going to try and do it. We hope that at least by the middle of this year we will have enough debt paid off that I can quit and just be a mom. I can't wait for that day!

Saturday, January 2, 2010


So I am pretty much the WORST New Year's Resolution keeper ever, but I like to at least establish a few of them even if I don't keep them. It makes me feel better to try and set some goals for the New Year. This year some of them are more hopes than things that may actually happen but here goes.

  1. FINALLY finish the Old Testament! Justin and I have been reading the Old Testament for like 2 years now. We are about midway through Isaiah and I figure it is the perfect time to finish since we are studying the Old Testament in church this year...even though I am called to Primary again so I guess I won't get to study it in Sunday School.
  2. Read our scriptures EVERY day. Ideally our goal is to complete the entire QUAD (Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Morman, and Doctrine and Covenants) front to back by the end of next year....but I am not counting on that since it has taken us over 2 years with the Old Testament alone. But we like to read the Institute study guides along with our scriptures each night so that we can get more out of it. So my goal this year is even if we are just way to exhausted to do a whole study session each day, we at least need to read a verse or two from somewhere in the quad. And I am sorry to say that we already had to do that last night! The very first day of the new year! But in our defense we were exhausted from working on my Mom's house all day!
  3. I really would like to try and get to the temple more often. It has been so long since Justin and I have been and now it will be even harder since we have a child. But my goal is to go at least 6 times this year. I think that should be feasible.
  4. This one is more of a hope than a resolution, but I REALLY want to be a stay at home mom. A real one! As in I don't want to still work from home, but be able to devote all my time to being just a mom! I don't know how people do it! I have been so stressed all the time trying to balance still working from 8-12 and still taking care of Kaitlyn's needs. It will be even harder now that my Mom has moved out. It is just so hard when I have a big deadline or need to be on the phone with work and Kaitlyn is crying to be held. And as she gets older I would love to just be able to give her my undivided attention! Currently we just can not afford for me to quit, but I am determined to try and make it happen! We are trying to get as many bills paid off as possible so that we can try and see if we could live off of Justin's salary alone.
  5. Get my house organized and cleaned from top to bottom! We have so much clutter to go through and also cleaning to do. Justin really wants to steam clean the sofas and some of the carpets but I don't really want to spend the money to do that. So if you happen to have a steam cleaner you would like to let us borrow let me know! haha!
  6. Be the best Mommy that I can be!

So I guess those are the main ones. I could probably go on and on with things I would like to do, but I will try to focus on these!

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010!

Happy New Year Everyone! This has been by far the most stressful Holiday Break yet for us. My mom has moved out today and we have been working day and night all this week trying to get everything finished with her house and then moving all her stuff over all day. So stressful and I know Justin is worn out since he is the one that has to do all of the hard stuff. But I am sure it will all be worth it to him in the end since he gets to go back to life without Teddy...(her dog whom he hates.) We just are not dog people.

Our Christmas was different for me at least as well. It was the first year that I wasn't in Charlotte with my family so that was hard, but I guess it can't be my way all the time! haha. We went down to Shalotte to spend Christmas with Justin's parents. Here are a few photos of Kaitlyn's first Christmas...

2009 has been a year of ups and downs that is for sure. It started out great finding out that we were pregnant and then of course had a major downside in July when my stepfather died and then all of my family's lives basically turned upside down. We are finally recovering from it all still. But then had a very positive note in September when our little Kaitlyn came into our lives! She has definitely been a blessing to us all. She is actually really starting to be a lot better. She was such a fussy baby for so long, but she is down to only 1-2 meltdowns a day now! haha! We love her so much and it is only getting better as she gets older and is starting to develop her own little personality!

Here is one of my favs...Kaitlyn LOVES the TV! She can be having a screaming meltdown and we stand up in front of the TV and she just completely stops screaming and is in awe! haha! I am definitely going to have to keep an eye out for what we are watching when she starts getting old enough to know what is going on!