Wednesday, September 21, 2011

In a Funk...

I have been slack about posting anything lately and I blame it on the funk I am currently in. My baby is breech...well technically I think more transverse. Pretty much has been since the beginning, but the doctors were hopeful he would turn by now. He still hasn't and now they are worried that I am running out of time for him to still turn on his own. I have been doing all kinds of weird exercises that I found on the internet, but so far nothing is working. I REALLY don't want to have a c-section. I don't know why I am so depressed over it, but I just am. I think about it 24/7. My hands are constantly going to my stomach every few minutes to feel for the head to see where it is at. I cry at each of my doctors appointments when they confirm that he is still not head down. They probably think I am a nutcase b/c I have cried at so many of my appointments. First when they scared me to death with the marginal cord insertion thing and then I had a cry over some unpaid bills I was unaware of for them, and now this :) Yes I know I sound crazy...but I will just blame it on the pregnancy hormones for now :)
I just recently got even more into a funk over my situation after reading up on the difference between transverse and breech babies. Apparently transverse babies have a harder time trying to turn than a breech baby and the c-section itself scares me even more with a transverse baby b/c you sometimes will have to have the larger vertical cut rather than the horizontal cut at your bikini line. Then I imagine the harder recovery and Kaitlyn trying to crawl all over me (she has a really bad habit about doing this) and rupturing my scar, or me not being able to pick her up for a longer time period after delivery, or the fact that I want more than 2 kids and would most likely have to have mutliple c-sections. Plus the cost difference between a normal delivery and a c-section is ridiculous! I know these are all things I shouldn't worry about until the time actually comes and everything may work itself out, but I just can't stop thinking about it. I try and focus on other things but it is always in the back of my mind. I have soooo much stuff I need to get done around the house before Brayden arrives as well, but I just can't seem to find the motivation. I am always tired and find excuses. I am currently trying to focus on one thing at a time. Currently Brayden's room. It is almost done. Justing pained a couple weeks ago, and I have been painting letters for his room and now am working on a couple canvases to hang up in there. (I know this is extra time consuming, but I was way too cheap to buy everything that I was envisioning so I figured I will just do it myself)
Anyway I will stop rambling about my depressing funk. I just needed to vent it out somewhere else...b/c I am pretty sure Justin is tired of hearing about it :) In other news Kaitlyn turns 2 next week! Craziness!